alright. you know what? everyone isnt going to like me, and i cant be everyones bestfriend. i mean, yeah, i am extremely sociable. and i think im pretty nice, i laugh at everything thats meant to be funny because i have a good sense of humor..i dont know. i still havent achieved the status of being that person that people want around. that person people want to form a relationship. im not a "top 8" kindof person.
and i think about that and its like, man, i gotta work harder. but you know what? no. this next week, im making a promise to myself. i am going to be the best person i can be this week. im not going to try to throw myself out there and work so hard at being someone that everyone likes. yeah, this whole tour thing..i wanna be someone that the people im touring with want to have a relationship with outside of this tour..but this next week, im gonna be me. im not going to try to force myself to be someone that these people will like. it wouldnt necessarily be me being fake, because even when i have tried to get these people to like me thus far, i havent been fake. ive just had a certain outcome in mind.
this next week, im going to approach these people and love them just as people. not with some huge scheme to be cool enough in their eyes for them to want to talk to me after this tour is over. im just gonna have fun, be who i am and love them for who they are. if we have a relationship afterwards, wonderful. if we dont, ill cry. but im not going to stress myself over this, ha.
this is gonna be hard. i cant tell you how awesome these people are, how much id love to stay in contact with a particular few of them. but im not gonna try to force that to happen. which means it probably wont happen, and i know that. im just gonna chill and love them and love myself and hope they love me too.

what do you do when the person who's always okay, gets to the point of not being okay anymore?

you know what ive realized, just now, kinda sorta?

..i dont think ive very family oriented.

i've never really been able to fit into a family setting, with anyone. i mean, i guess kinda with my own family, but you know how you have like best friends and their family becomes your second family? ..ive never been able to accomplish that. and im not quite sure why.

brents family.

..gah, i wanted to be apart of that. god knows why, but i did. somehow i screwed it up, though, and i dont really know how. i just wish i could fix it, whatever messed things up.

i wanted Mrs. Donna and Mr. Chris to like me, to accept me, to think i was good enough for their kid, and to welcome me into their home and into their lives and their child's life. i wanted Hilary and Lauren to accept me, too, and to become good friends with them. i wanted to look up to them like older sisters, too, in some way/shape/and-or/form. i wanted Aaron to think i was cool, and to not mind me being around his house making out with his older brother.

..and for a while, i thought that was the case. well, i let myself believe it was the case.

maybe this whole thought-process is resulting from my insecurities of not being good enough, for whatever reason, for whomever, under whatever circumstance. i dont know. i just wish i could talk to Mrs. Donna at least, and try to figure something out.

i think Aaron still thinks im alright. and maybe Mr. Chris is a little okay with me, mayyybe. lauren's never liked me, truly, so thats not really a big loss, i guess, though she rocks and i wouldve loved to got to be friends with her. and hilary, ..we talked a good bit, sometimes. alot. i thought we were cool, and things were chill? i dont know.

mine and brents whole relationship would be alot easier if they didnt dislike me as much as they do. i wish they could just accept me as my family accepted brent. god, my whole family loves brent to death. everyones upset when his mom tells us he cant come up.

ha, sometimes i think that if i just died, Mrs. Donna would actually be happy. her and Brents biological father, Roger. he doesnt see why brent would be with me if we're not having sex. ha ha ha..aint that a self-esteem booster out the anus? dang.

i just wish i could fix it, and make it better. figure out whatever it is that Donna doesnt like about me, her and the rest of her family with the exception of Brent, and then do something about it to change for the better. i swear, i stress over this in my subconcious all the time.

blah. it'll never be better. Donna will always hate me, and she'll take the reason with her to her grave. though, maybe its a good reason, and i just suck at life. who knows.

merry christmas.

you know whats sad?

the guys of my generation.
for freaking real, get serious.

they're all either straight-up pussies who need to grow a pair, or they're all out dicks who like girls for nothing more than a passable bang.

Brent is the only, honest-to-goodness decent guy i've ever met.

im so sick of seeing all my girl frends get themselves ripped and torn apart, physicaly and mentally, by dickheads and freaking pansies! either they just bang the girl and drop her, or dont have the balls to ask her out! SERIOUSLY BOYS.

I wish more guys started living up to the image they were created in. and i wish girls would start respecting themselves.

thats the problem with girls, these days. most of them are in their teenage years, and they want to start "dating". what most of them dont realize, is that dating is meant to actually find the person you're going to marry. and the ones that do realize that, think that they are capable of finding the one they're going to marry at this age. - this is why most teenage relationships dont work. GUYS DONT WANT TO FIND THE PERSON THEY'RE GOING TO MARRY, AT THIS POINT IN THEIR LIVES. girls need to recognize that. when a guy "asks a girl out" they arent interested in finding their helpmeet for life, they're looking for either genuine companionship, a good bang, or some other physical benefits. which the girl ends up providing, because she thinks that giving them what they want will make them want her in the way she wants to be wanted.

i just want to yell this is girls faces.

oh,and another thing.

i wish people would start realizing that true love isnt something you just "fall" in and out of. true love is a choice. a choice, a commitment, a promise. a decision to make compromises, and to learn to deal with potential obstacles that may come up along the course of your relationship. anyone can be generally attracted to someone, either physically or mentally.. but taking that to the next level, is realizing that no matter how much you are attracted to that person, or even care about that person, that the two of you cannot enter into a relationship without ever experiencing any difficulties. you've got to be mature enough to recognize all this, and make the decision: hey, thing might be rough at times. but i think you're really cool, and i really like you, so im going to work through those dificulties. im not going to give up on you, and throw my hands in the air when things get rough. THATS LOVE.

Jesus is the perfect example of true love.

He's God. He cared about us so much, that He didnt want us to suffer for our sin. so he CHOSE to come down from his perfect existence with his Father in complete perfection (otherwise known as Heaven), and CHOSE to take the punishment for our sin, so that we wouldnt have to suffer, and pay the price - thats while we suck completely, dissapoint him, and hurt him continuously. thats the key.

Jesus could be like this, considering He's God and all:
aww, look at that. he/she talked to me today, they thanked me and invited Me into their day. I think I like them, and might be willing to help them out... oh, wait, no. today they forgot about Me, and didnt talk to Me at all... welll i dont think i like them anymore. im not going to end their enternal suffering.

NO!

Jesus likes us, cares about us, when we talk to him and invited him into our days AND when we forget about him, or dont awknowledge Him in our daily lives. He's feeings for us never change. even when He was faced with taking on all the sin in the world, and having His father turn His back on Him and suffer unimaginable tourture..He still cared about us enough to say: you know what, im still going to help them out.

DO YOU GET WHAT IM SAYING? thats love.

caring about that person enough, that even when they suck sometimes, to make the choice to stick with them, help them out, and not give up on them. thats TRUE love. and that doesnt just apply in romantic relationships. thats everyday life. thats how we should love EVERYONE.

i wish people would come to grips with this.

one thing thats also kinda kicked me in the butt recently is how much me and all the people who've been apart of my life at some point or another, have grown up.

its crazy, really, to remember being little, and chillin with certain people, and to look at them now and see that they're now self-proclaimed emo, or they're a really hott surfer dude, or they're some hardcore bmxer, or they're a gymnast out the yingyang, or they're a top-notch equestrian. like, for real. wow.

i, myself, dont feel as though ive changed all that much over the years. which is a pretty absurd statement, i know, but in comparison to most of my childhood friends/aquantiances, i havent changed a bit. i havent really taken this new knack in life, developed this real distinct personality and specific character traits. and im not quite sure whether or not that means that im still wandering around in adolescence, trying to find myself, or that ive already found myself, and who i am isnt so straight-laced as everyone else.

and not even so much childhood friends, either. friends two, three, four years my senior, whom ive aquired over the years, have grown up as well! friends are getting married, having babies, graduating, going to college, getting out of college, moving away.. its insane. and almost disheartening.

this whole growing up thing kinda sucks sometimes. change really sucks sometimes.
it is good though, to know that God is in control of everything.
even though whats going on might be a little less than peachy, in my opinion, its still nice to know theres a good reason for everything, and that we're all going to benefit from each and every situation we're ever put into, throughout the course of our lives.